Saturday, December 20, 2014

What do I really want in life

Apart from fatigues from pregnancy, this past 2 months have been not just sucking my energy, also made me feel so emotionally drained. One thing that people close to me(and not many of this kind of people) can attest to, I am an individual difficult to understand. Sometimes I want to laugh in front of some people's face when they tell me or others "Aku kenal Liza tu, dia macam tu, nie bla bla bla". As if they really know!

I am a serious person. I am serious when I work, I am serious when I take care of my family, I am serious when I protect my loved ones and I am dead serious when I am having fun. I don't believe in doing things half cooked. Either you do it or you don't. Either you are here or you are not. I don't believe doing things in between. And of course, this may not resonate well with some people. Never expect for many people to understand anyway.

And on a contrary despite being active in social media, I am actually a private person. I don't share many personal details about my private life. That is why I love social media. I get to choose what I want and don't want to share. And believe it or not, what you see is not even 10% of my real life. Fool you, didn't I?

I love everything about my life. It may not be perfect to some but it's just perfect for me. And one thing for sure, I love my job. I love what I do, I see true sense of purpose on the aim and objective of my job. Perhaps, due to this coupled with a serious person I am, it drained me. I pushed not only myself, also people around me to achieve what I feel is not impossible. My mistake, as per many of other mistakes I did, I thought people share the same motivation. Due to that, I was left frustrated and bruised by how others react. What pushed me down the most was when my integrity and amanah were questioned. For a moment, I felt so alone. Maybe this is what they say, lonely at the top.

My better half continues to be my sounding board, the only person I turn to and fully trust. And he said, it comes with the territory. I can always choose to give up and do ordinary work like other normal people do and forget about trying to make a difference in the space I am currently working in. But then I need to question myself, am I satisfied to leave things in status quo and just sit, watch and wait for others to take care of it. If I can answer yes, with conviction to this question, then he told me to go ahead and give up. Whatever decision I make, he will give his full blessings.

He is right (and I hate that he is ALWAYS right). Should I let few people who just don't understand or refuse to understand cloud my judgment and decision on how I should move forward. What I need now is to recollect myself, and gather my thoughts and energy. Focus on things and people who matters. Yes, I need to do just that.

A hug from my man and it's just magical, things just got better. And his final word for that night, "You know the right thing to do. As long as your nawaitu is pure, you will be fine. Allah kan ada"

If I ever forget to tell you, my better half, I love you so much. And I am so glad I am fortunate to have you in my life.


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