I can't be any fatter than this

One thing I have been struggling with this one issue for the past 13 years. Yes, 13 years, since the day I gave birth to my 3rd child. I gained weight like a lot! And still trying to lose it.

Why?

Cause I love food too much and I hate exercising that much.

I used to love outdoors activities. I used to love playing sports. When I was in school, I took part in almost all sports. I played netball, volleyball, tennis, ran even to the point of playing hockey. I just love to do it all. Even when I started working I still continue to play sports. I represented my division and my company in many sports event. That was until I gave birth the third time. I stopped and tried to start again, but somehow just failed miserably.

I still play sports occasionally but more at my convenience. For the past 2 years I tried to take part in running events so I get motivated to train but somehow I managed to make excuses for myself. I know I am in denial if I blamed it on work, family or whatever the reason may be. It's more to make me feel better about myself, but I know this spells denial in capital letters.

For the past one year, I managed to lose close to 11kg effortless. I am this weird person who lose weight when I am very happy about my work and gain weight when I am in stressful condition. I was so happy when I have to send all my pants for altering since I looked like someone who borrowed pants from clowns when I come to work. I got to buy new jeans and I looked so damn good in them.

But, sadly, I am starting to gain weight again. Yesterday, while I was performing my Zuhur, I can seriously feel how how heavy I am when duduk antara dua sujud. My pants are getting tighter and I look like sarung nangka in my jeans. NO!!!! This can't be happening. I look good and now I look like some makcik who pretend to have lose 2 size smaller.

Come to think of it, perhaps my stress is back. And I need to remain calm.....And perhaps I am losing my interest.....

Let's start again Liza. You were happier wearing 4 sizes smaller, you can't go back to XXL......

Breath in, breath out.....

Have a great day everyone! And an awesome week ahead!

It's been almost a year and I am still holding on to my dream.

Yes, that's how long it is since I last blogged. It's been that long, not that anyone have noticed. I can give thousand and one excuses for not doing it. Work, study, motherhood yada yada yada....But, the truth is, I lose focus and lost sense of prioritisation.

I always categorise myself as I-don't-give-a-s**t-what-people-think-of-me kind of person. I still am, that is why I live my life the way I want it. My parents may not like this all the time, I understand their concern, who would not want to normal daughter. But over the years, I guess family make compromise and this is the compromise they made. After all, I am a good and responsible daughter (YES, I AM!)

I love to dream and I encourage my kids to dream. And by dreaming is dream big! Dream something beyond our wildest dream, beyond wildest imagination and boundaries. But must always work hard to achieve it, by dreaming alone just don't cut it.

I consider my kids to be from a well to do family compared to how I was as a child. But that is never an excuse for them not to work hard. They need to earn what they deserve. Despite some might feel "untunglah, lahir keluarga kaya", I have a different opinion on this. I know many friends who were born super filthy rich and worked super hard day and night though they don't have to. And I know many who were from poor family but just refused to work hard and just wait for things to happen for them, waiting for all the aids to come and help them, the entitlement mentality. Due to this, I don't judge and I don't stereotype. I've seen fair share of both so unfair for me to make my own assumptions.

Anyway, I go to UK once a year (with our own hard earned money ok!) but thus trip is different. Maybe because finally I am completing my Master, something I started and still finding hard to believe I am ending this journey soon. I gave a long clear thought and I need to go back to my dream and my passion. What I believe in. What I want in life and I must continue to work hard to achieve it. As always, ignore the noise around me saying "nak buat apa", "tak payahlah" "gaji besar, bolehlah", whaever.

And I am reminded what matter the most in my life, the man I married almost 17 years ago and my 3 kids. These are the people who have been with me through thick and thin. These are the people who picked me up when I fell, wiped my tears and shared my joy. These people who know how hard I worked, the sleepless nights, meals skipped. And they of all people have the right to claim from me. So time for me to set things straight and remind myself what matters and what don't.

So here I am with the new renewed determination and energy. Yes, they will always be non believers who challenge and criticise in the name of giving opinions, exercising their rights, sharing views whatever they want to call it. I must start exercising my selective hearings from now on and focus on things that matter. ONLY!

As I made my journey home, I am thankful for all the blessings Allah has given me. I many not have the same start as some friends (It's not their fault they are born in well to do family, how can we blame them for that) but I think I am doing pretty well. I don't make this as excuses to achieve what I want to achieve as opposed to some people I know who felt they deserve this and that from whomever. So, the starting line don't really matter to me cause we chart our own journey. Can we say with conviction to those who were born not so fortunate but choose to wait for good things to happen to them and blame them for their so called "laziness" the same way we blamed the other camps who were born rich but still choose to work hard.

So here's to charting our own future, dengan izin Allah of course....

And here's to me continue to blog, and sustain it :)